How to Be Friendly, Kind and Gentle All The Fuckin’ Time

If you’re new to this blog, let me quickly catch you up on what you missed last year. To summarize in a sentence: yet again I ruined everything — destroyed my marriage, my health, my financial status — by trying to defend myself against a bully. The whole fiasco was thoroughly documented in many of the 285 blog posts I deleted back in October, but for various reasons, well, I decided to delete that whole mess and start over.

This sort of craziness is a core theme of my life. I could probably list dozens of examples. The details are always different and the scale can range from trivial to spectacular, but the structure of the story is always the same: someone with power over my life abuses that power, I try to defend myself, and as a result, everything goes to shit. Although this most recent fiasco was without a doubt the most spectacular of them all (at the end of October I actually spent two weeks in jail!), the core structure of the overall narrative is the same one that’s been running my life for as long as I can remember.

I hate it. I’m so sick of it. And for the moment it really seems to me that a central cause of this nonsense is what I wrote about in my previous post — the chronic false assumption on my part that my anger will seem rational and legitimate to those who witness it. This is just wrong. When I take a good hard look at the facts, it is abundantly clear that something quite the opposite is true: to the extent that my anger is witnessed, it will almost certainly be viewed as irrational and unprovoked by those witnesses.

Ergo: if I want to change this tendency of mine to ruin everything by defending myself against the bullies in my life, I need to stop letting people witness my anger — either by not getting angry in the first place, or at least if I do get angry, then at least hiding it from observers until I calm down.

In other words, I have to seem unangry — friendly, kind, gentle, etc. — all the fuckin’ time!

Suggestions welcome!

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